


Caspar's Misconceptions

by idanato



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Dadbert - Freeform, Fluff, Gen, Post-Timeskip | War Phase (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), a non-graphic sex talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23019580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idanato/pseuds/idanato
Summary: Hubert's used to doing unsavory tasks that no one else wants to do: bribing people, eliminating assassins, laundry...and giving Caspar 'the talk'
Relationships: Caspar von Bergliez & Hubert von Vestra
Comments: 13
Kudos: 53





	Caspar's Misconceptions

Hubert tried to suppress his yawn as he sketched out the infantry’s planned position on the board. No one would begrudge him for being tired, but it was important for a general to at least appear to be holding it together. He was accustomed to juggling a lot of responsibilities, but life was presently crushing him, and it was showing. At least the Strike Force was supportive.

The war had been going on for almost five years, with no clear end in sight. They were no longer putting their lives on complete hold for who knew how long this going to take, and Hubert was no exception. If he could steal a couple hours of sleep right now that was a miracle, and his blood-coffee-level was at a steady 0.08% at any given time of day. He was concerned this made him look disorganized and perhaps a little crazy, but Edelgard assured him that his current situation helped to humanize him for the others. He was too sleepy to argue with her about it.

Hubert was still facing the chalk board as he explained what was going to happen when they attempted to take the Rowe lands the next day. They had been here for days setting up, and it was hot as Fraldarius’ temper outside. Hubert couldn’t wait to get this over with and go home. 

“Does anyone have any questions?” asked Hubert as he turned to face his compatriots. They were a mixed group these days, defectors and defenders, new recruits and old friends aplenty. Everyone had their own reasons for joining Edelgard’s cause. Hubert personally vetted everyone as they came over to the Empire’s side, and as a result he had really gotten to know everyone in the Strike Force much better than he had in school. He could actually say he had friends (plural!) now -- a _family_ \-- which he never dreamed would happen while he was at Garreg Mach.

People were nodding along in agreement with the proposal, it was a very basic battle strategy, but Caspar’s brows were practically touching as his face betrayed his confusion. Hubert stared at him and hoped he would just ask whatever was on his mind, but for once, Caspar’s mouth was firmly shut. “Alright then, get your weapons repaired as needed, get a good night’s sleep, and remember to eat a big breakfast tomorrow,” said Hubert as he rubbed his sleepy eyes and dismissed the Strike Force.

Caspar was still sitting in his seat and just staring at Hubert. The mage looked back at the board to see if he had made some glaring error, but it looked just fine. Hubert turned back to Caspar, “Yes, can I help you?”

“Uh Hubert, where did that thing come from?” asked Caspar as he pointed at Hubert’s chest.

Hubert sleepily looked down at his infant snugly wrapped in a little sling against his chest and looked back at Caspar in confusion, “You mean my son?” He paused and felt a scowl coming on, “Did you just refer to my baby as a thing?”

“You have a baby?” Caspar sounded honestly shocked.

“Yes?” Hubert gently rubbed his snoozing son’s back. He knew his enemies knew, some of them had even sent gifts. Dorothea had organized a whole baby shower, which Caspar was at!

“With who?” demanded Caspar.

“With _whom_ ,” corrected Hubert under his breath.

“You mean you don’t even know!”

Hubert stared at Caspar with maximum annoyance, “With my wife—”

“You’re married?!”

Linhardt and Ferdinand had stuck around to chat with each other after the meeting. Their conversation had steadily died down as they listened to Caspar’s shouts, and now then they were practically tripping over each other in order to get out of the strategy tent as quickly as possible.

Hubert pinched the bridge of his nose and silently counted to ten. “Yes, you were at my wedding Caspar, it was over a year ago.” Hubert knew it had been a very modest little affair, being during a war and all, but it was a significant moment for him. How could Caspar forget it, especially when some Blue Lions had shown up and attempted to “rescue” his bride? The ensuing battle and reception had been extremely memorable.

Caspar just looked confused, “You mean that fancy dinner, the one that Sylvain and Annette crashed and tried to kill you at?”

“That would be my only wedding, yes,” said Hubert as he pointed to his ring, worn above his gloves for anyone to see. He knew he was very private about his personal life, but this was ridiculous. 

“Huh,” said Caspar as he rubbed his hand along his chin.

Hubert felt like the butt of a joke. Caspar was climbing out of his chair and across the table to investigate the baby. “Oh! That’s just Babe-bert,” said Caspar with relief. Dorothea had come up with that nickname. It was an admittedly cute moniker, but Hubert hoped it wouldn’t trail his son into adulthood, so he wasn’t encouraging it.

“Yes, _Bertram_ von Vestra, my son,” snapped Hubert in a whisper. He was trying extremely hard to never yell in front of Bertram, but Caspar made that a difficult resolution to commit to. 

“Oh, I just thought he was Mercedes’ son,” said Caspar sheepishly as he scratched the back of his head.

Hubert pointed again to his wedding ring, “Yes, Mercedes, my wife, and I had a baby, and here he is.” He gestured to Bertram, who did look a lot like Hubert and Mercedes mixed together. Sure, this was the first time Hubert was on baby duty during a big meeting, but he was at a loss to understand how Caspar had missed this major development.

“But _how_?” asked Caspar as he sat on the table at eye level with the baby who was now stirring thanks to Caspar practically shouting in his little ears. Hubert attempted to massage his son’s tiny feet in a quiet effort to keep both himself and the child calm. 

Hubert squinted at Caspar to determine if the brawler was savvy enough to mess with him like this. Caspar was honest and earnest, and unlikely to be carrying on a joke for this long. Hubert took a deep breath. Fatherhood was making him more patient, although Caspar was quickly approaching Hubert’s limit. Hubert looked down at his little precious baby and thought about all the serious conversations and careful planning that had happened prior to his arrival. He really didn’t think the decision-making process – considering the pace of the war, the projections for when it might end, balancing the risks – was any of Caspar’s business. He preferred to be vague for his own privacy since everyone seemed to have an opinion and not all of them were positive, “Sometimes the stars align, and it just happens.”

“This can just happen, to anyone?!” Caspar looked extremely alarmed by that prospect. 

“Under the right conditions,” said Hubert, now as equally confused as Caspar. He stared at his fellow strike force member and wondered if it was possible no one in Caspar’s life had ever stopped to give him a basic sex talk. That seemed very irresponsible. “We, um, _made love_ , and now we have a baby.”

When he and Mercedes finally came out as a couple their sex life was suddenly the subject of many rumors, which drove Hubert crazy. There were two prevailing and competing opinions: either Mercedes had some serious kinks, or Hubert was secretly extremely vanilla. The reality was that both those statements were true, but no one seemed willing to believe that possibility.

Caspar looked at him like he was speaking in Brigidese. Hubert could feel his scowl etching permanent premature wrinkle lines into his face. People wondered why he looked like this all the time, but this was what he had to regularly deal with since school: parenting the Strike Force. “You know the birds and the bees—”

“What do animals have to do with it?” asked Caspar. He looked extra perplexed now. 

“It’s a euphemism,” said Hubert. Caspar was more suited to clear and concise instruction; metaphors tended to go over his head. “Caspar, please tell me you understand that sex makes babies.”

Caspar looked confused. “Wait, what?”

Hubert was making Bertram’s arms dance as the now awake infant held tightly onto his index fingers. “Where did you think babies came from?”

Caspar looked contemplative, and the slow realization that he had been believing a lie slowly crossed his face. “Sex, makes, babies,” he said with long pregnant pauses.

“You know what intercourse is,” said Hubert, just in case. He tried to keep his nose out of the sex lives of the Strike Force as best as possible. He did not want to know who was doing who as long as Lady Edelgard wasn’t involved. He supposed he had no idea if Caspar was having sex or not. Maybe Caspar really didn’t know?

Caspar folded his arms and pursed his lips. “Yes, obviously.” The way he said it made it seem like he had a very vague clue of how it all worked.

“Well there you go, that’s the talk,” said Hubert dryly. He knew he had a duty to communicate this because the last thing anyone needed was Caspar ignorantly siring some offspring. “You have sex, you get someone pregnant, and then nine months later, ta-da.” Hubert made Bertram’s arms stretch out like he was performing a little dance number.

“Huh, interesting,” said Caspar as he stared at the baby in a new light. A look of concern suddenly broke across his face, “Oh no! I need to go warn Linhardt.”

“Warn him about what?” asked Hubert in confusion.

“If he’s not careful he’s going to get Ferdinand pregnant,” shouted Caspar as he made a mad dash towards the exit.

Hubert hung his head and sighed.

**Author's Note:**

> I had to cancel out all the bad vibes I'm sending Hubert in my other fic with something nicer, and the idea of Hubert conducting business as usual with a baby on his chest is a very funny image (to me).
> 
> Edit 3/18/19: this snippet takes place within the timeline of another in-progress fic (https://archiveofourown.org/works/23073184/chapters/55192186) if you need to read about Sylvain and Annette crashing a wedding, and more Hubert & Caspar awkward friendship, it will eventually go there


End file.
